2 Months of Silence - The Good and the Bad

It's been so long since my last blog entry. So much has been going on - some good, some bad - and I think I've really just needed some time to collect my thoughts.

The Good:

Matt graduated from his LPN Program on June 24th. Words cannot begin to express how proud of him I am. He searched for a job for a few weeks, and ended up accepting a job at Mt. Olive Correctional Complex. I'm super happy that he has a job again - I know he's really missed working. We are also super excited that he was able to find a position that doesn't require him to work all evenings. I worried that Daddy working evenings might be a pretty big adjustment for Madison (and for mommy). To say that Matt is involved is a huge understatement. I've given a Madison a bath by myself twice since she was born. There have been two evenings when Matt wasn't home with us - both times, Madi wandered from room to room looking for him calling "Daddy...Daaaaaady?".

Madison has grown and changed so much, and we just adore her. Every day her vocabulary amazes us. We just can't believe how well she communicates - she makes things so easy for us! She knows so many words - we lost track somewhere around 75 - and she'll try to repeat just about anything you ask her to. She adores June and Adele (even though June is terrified of her) and has even started calling them by their names...it's so cute! She still loves taking a bath and constantly asks (and signs) requesting one. One of our favorite things is her animal sounds - a cat seas "mow" (like "now" with a "m") and dog says "oof" or "foof". She also loves saying her daycare friends' names - especially Anna, Abby, and Kinslee! She is so much fun and her laugh is contagious!

Madison has been walking since about 14 months, although she made someone hold her hand (she held onto your finger) until about 15 months. Then, one day, she finally decided she was ready to just do it on her own. She's never looked back! We constantly have to remind her not to run now!

Miss Priss is also a bit sassy. She always tells Adele to "get down" when she thinks she's up on something that she shouldn't be. I also heard her tell Anna "at, at, at" when she was trying to get into the diaper cabinet at daycare. She will tell us "no - hot, hot, hot" when we're around the stove. She thinks if it applies to her, it applies to everyone!

Madison is still a big eater (on most days, anyway). Her favorite foods are scrambled eggs, noodles, yogurt, cheese on toast, applesauce, tacos, and spaghetti. Miss Debbie says that Madison is always the first one to the table when it's time to eat. She also gets really upset when she's ready for lunch and they tell her it's not time yet. Matt swears that she gets this from me (and she probably does), but I really don't make a big deal about food in front of her. It must be hereditary...haha!

Madison seems like she's grown sooo much since her 12 month checkup. She had her 15 month checkup on July 28th (though she was actually 15 months on the 9th). She weighed 22.9 pounds and was 31.5 inches long. It's crazy to us how each day she looks less like a baby and more like a little girl. When I compare pictures of her from 12 months to pictures of her now, the change is almost unbelievable.

The Bad:

Madison has had five seizures since the first one. She had a total of 6 in a little less than 8 weeks. The last one was on July 10th - 5 weeks ago tomorrow. We've been able to keep her healthy for a little while. This is actually the longest she's been healthy in some time. She's had several viruses (including hand, foot, and mouth - which was horrible!!!). She also had another ear infection.

We went through some testing - a normal EEG, a sleep-deprived EEG, and a MRI. All of the tests came back normal. At one point, the neurologist mentioned seizure medication. In the end, though, he decided this wasn't the best course of action for Madison. Even though the seizures are absolutely terrifying, we were all very thankful he decided against the medication due to the side effects that could have come along with it. Dr. Taravath still feels that the seizures are febrile and that Madison will outgrow this. We are just hoping it's sooner rather than later - or that she already has!

We also saw an ENT specialist on July 27th for a consultation about putting tubes in Madi's ears. She had 3 ear infections in about 4 months. The doctor said he is willing to wait to see what happens, but if she has another one soon, we will probably have to go ahead with the tubes.

I've been traveling a lot with work. I'm currently working on an audit in Nicholas County. I'm hoping we will be finished soon, because the four hour commute each day is really taking its toll on me. :-( Thankfully, I get to go in a little later and leave a little earlier than we usually do. If not, I honestly don't know how I'd make it.

This pretty much sums up what's been going on with us the last few months - just been trying to deal with everything going on with Madison. It's been a lot harder on us than it has been on her though, and that's comforting in a way. She's just as happy as ever! I try to focus on that instead of the worry. She's loved and she's happy...and she will get past this. We all will.

Walking!

Madison is doing a pretty good job walking - although, 99% of the time she won't take a single step unless I hold her hand. She'd much rather walk than crawl though (even if she makes me walk everywhere with her). We figure she'll be walking on her own before too much longer - just waiting for her to be ready to do it on her own. We are so proud of her!

(Disclaimer: This video is very poor quality...haha. We had to set the video camera on the TV stand. haha!)

Nightmare

I should preface this by saying that, most of the time, febrile seizures are harmless (terrifying, but harmless) and my goal is not to scare other mothers. I am currently trying to get over the fear.

Between the ages of 6 months and 5 years, 3 to 5 percent of children will have a febrile seizure. One-third of these children will have another one, and about half of those will have a third. Febrile seizures are most common in the toddler age range. A child is more likely to have febrile seizures if either of his parents had them when they were young. Kids who have their first febrile seizure in their first year of life are the most likely to have another one. A child is also more likely to have a second seizure if his fever was low when he had his first one, or if the seizure occurred early on in his fever.

Monday, I got a call from daycare saying that Madison's temperature was 100.4. They said they were going to keep checking it to make sure it didn't go higher and they'd call me to come get her if it did. At about 3:30, they called to let me know that Madison's temperature was 102. I left immediately to go get her. She looked a little tired when I got there, but Miss Debbie said she didn't seem to be feeling too bad. I called the doctor's office on the way home to see when we could get in to see the doctor (as Madison would need a doctor's note to go back to daycare anyway). They said they could get us in at 5.

At the doctor's office, Madison's ears were checked and the doctor checked her throat for strep. Her ears were fine and the strep test came back negative. The doctor said she likely just had a virus and to call back if she got worse or if she wasn't better in a few days. During the appointment, Madison seemed extremely tired. She even fell asleep on the exam table while we were waiting for the doctor. However, her temperature was only 99.8. We headed straight home, and Matt stopped at Pizza Hut in Cross Lanes to pick up a pizza. Madison fell asleep as soon as we left the doctor's office and slept the whole way home. When I pulled into the garage, she woke up and started babbling and playing. I started to gather up our stuff in the passenger seat, and when I glanced back at her, I saw the most frightening sight ever.

Madison's eyes were open wide and were completely vacant. Both of her arms were stretched out in front of her and her fists were clinched tightly. She was violently convulsing. I remember thinking to myself "Okay, she's having a seizure. It will pass. It will pass." And then she started turning blue....first her lips and then other parts of her face. I lost it. I dialed 911 and frantically told them what was happening and tried to stay calm enough to give them our address. I remember thinking "Okay, it's okay. It's okay. Help is on the way." I was calm for maybe 2 seconds, and then I just felt like there was no way the ambulance could arrive quickly enough. I yanked Madison from her car seat and ran to our neighbor's (both are nurses). I pounded on their door, while Madison was still convulsing in my arms. No answer. I completely lost it. The panic I felt in this moment is indescribable. I just remember thinking "so this is what it's like to hold your child while she's dying and there's nothing you can do about it?" While all of these thoughts were running through my head, I was running through the subdivision screaming for help. One of our neighbors came to me. She took Madison from me because I was shaking so badly. As she was holding her, I remember alternating between screaming Madison's name and crying out to Jesus. I kept kissing Madison's head. I could barely stand to watch. As each second passed, I felt as if Madison was slipping further and further away from me and further and further into this dark unknown. Another neighbor came running. She tried to comfort me. Finally, Madison started to come out of it. It seemed as if her breathing was very labored and she was moaning. I took her back in my arms and we sat on the neighbor's porch until the ambulance arrived. The whole event seemed like it lasted an eternity, but I think the seizure lasted about 3 minutes and the ambulance arrived maybe 2 minutes later.

When the ambulance arrived, Madison was completely unresponsive. Once they got her in the ambulance, she started to cry. The EMTs were so happy that she was crying. They gave her some oxygen because they said her oxygen levels were low. About this time, Matt got there. I don't even remember what I said to him. I think I was just in shock at this point. The EMTs helped me into the ambulance and we headed to the hospital. Matt followed behind in the car. Madison's fever went up to 102.8 in the car, so the EMT and I undressed her. She just seemed so exhausted.

When we arrived at the hospital, they gave Madison Tylenol. They ran some tests...all of which came back negative. Nana, Poppaw, Grandma, and Aunt Jennifer came to check on Madison. After awhile, she seemed to be her normal self again. She ate a popsicle, some cheese curls, yogurt, and drank a ton of gatorade. She played for a little while and then went back to sleep. We were discharged from the ER around midnight.

After the events from that otherwise uneventful Monday, I've been trying to cope with it all. I can't seem to get those images out of my mind. Madison slept with me in the spare bedroom Monday night and Tuesday night. I stayed home with her Tuesday and Wednesday. Nana came Wednesday evening and stayed with Madison Thursday. I was a nervous wreck when I was home with her that first day...terrified that it would happen again while I was alone with her. Matt came home and napped with her in her bed, and I cried the entire hour it took me to iron Matt's school uniforms. Wednesday evening, we made a quick trip to the store. Matt drove and I rode in the backseat of my car with Madison. It was the first time we'd been back in the car since it all happened. As I strapped Madison into the same car seat where it all began, tears just streamed down my face. I cried again at the doctor's office yesterday as I explained what happened.

I do feel better after talking to the doctor. She explained to me that the brain turns itself off as a defense mechanism against the sudden spike in fever. Before shutting off, a message is sent to the rest of the body to go into "survival mode". All of the blood is pulled from places where it is not needed as much to the vital organs to protect them. This is why Madison's lips and face turned blue. Her breathing may have been shallow, but she was still breathing. Her oxygen levels were probably low because the blood had not fully circulated back to her extremities. She was very empathetic...she even hugged me. I feel like maybe I would be better prepared (at least mentally if not emotionally) if it happens again. I just pray with all of my heart that it doesn't.

Red and Yellow

Transitions

It's crazy how many changes take place around the one year mark! Pretty soon our baby girl will be out of the baby room at daycare and into the 1 year old room. I remember when we visited her daycare before choosing which one she would be attending, the 1 year old room was a completely different world compared to the other classrooms. I remember them telling us on our tour that people always expect the 2 year old room to be the "wild" room. Then, they introduced us to the 1 year old room. Haha! Madison will soon be one of the ones kept on the far end of the hallway...away from the office and as far away from the babies as possible! hehe!

The plan is to move Madison up to the one year old room at the end of the month. I'm wondering if this will be her last week in the baby room.

A lot of changes have been taking place in order to get Madison ready for the 1 year old room. For the past few weeks, she's been sleeping on a cot at daycare instead of in a crib. I really couldn't believe it at first and was terrified of her falling out. Anyone who has seen this girl sleep would completely understand why I'd be afraid of this! She's done great though!

Madison is also doing MUCH better with table foods. I seriously thought for awhile that she'd be 2 and eating baby food - haha! She absolutely loves watermelon, bananas, graham crackers and yogurt. She's also doing really well with feeding herself.

We've also made the transition from bottle to sippy cup. I was totally stressed over this for a few days - especially because there's NO bottles in the 1 year old room. Today is day 5 without a bottle. We can see improvement with the cup every day. It's easier for Madison to use the toss and go cups with the hard spout and no stopper (this is what they use at daycare), but she's also doing fairly well with the soft spout cups (I'm thankful b/c these don't spill!). She looks so grown up when she drinks from her cup! We are so proud of her!

Madison had her one year checkup on April 21st - almost 2 weeks after turning one. This was our first visit with the new pediatrician. Madison weighed 19 lbs, 13 oz and was 29 inches long.

THE BIG ONE!

Dearest Madison,

One year ago, we welcomed you into our life...all 5 pounds, 10 ounces of you. You were so tiny - yet from the very beginning our love for you was so big! I remember feeling you in my arms, as light and small as holding a folded t-shirt and simultaneously feeling a weight in my heart that felt much heavier. There was an ability to love inside me that I did not recognize. I loved you simply because you were. I was bound to you in love as much as you were bound to me for your very life. You have changed our lives (and even us individually) in so many ways. You are our constant joy!

It is so hard for me when people ask what you're like or ask me to describe you - you are one complex little girl.

How can someone be so sweet and so rotten? You give the best hugs. I love when you throw your arms around my neck and say "ohhhhh". Your smile is infectious, and your eyes light up every time that gorgeous grin beams across your little face. You are such a sweetheart, but you are sneaky too. I can't help but to giggle a little when you mock my "NO"s with your "no no no". Or how you say "no no no" as you are doing something you're not supposed to be. It's as if you just acknowledging that it's not okay makes it okay.

You are falling in love with animals. Poppaw recently taught you to motion for a dog to come to you. Now, every time we see one, your reach your little arm out and make that motion with your hand. You also do it with cats, and as you make the motion, you say "cat, cat, cat". You get so excited when you actually get to pet them!

You are so incredibly friendly. This is probably my favorite thing about you! I hope you always stay this way. You just LOVE people. You are always smiling and waving and entertaining. You are such a ham! You got a Disney Princess Power Wheel for your birthday. While riding, you take your right hand off the wheel and wave and put it back and then take your left hand off the wheel and wave and put it back. You do this over and over. More Gramma says you're practicing to be a parade queen. You love "talking" on the phone. You smile so big when we let you - you've even starting participating in the conversation a little.

You are doing such a good job with communicating. You point a lot to let us know what you want. You're also signing "more". You have your own sign for "all done". You take both hands and put them out to the sides (like how I would motion "I don't know"). It's so cute! You do it every single time someone says "all done".

Your absolute favorite thing right now is books. You definitely get this love from Mommy and not Daddy. You will read (play with) with your books for the longest time. You just flip through the pages and point to the pictures and babble. We love it when you read to us! You also really love music. You love the Beatles, the Jackson 5, and the Beach Boys. You bounce and dance and sing along. You are such a happy little thing!

You aren't walking yet. You are cruising along the furniture, walls, doors, toys with ease. And you even do a pretty good job if we just hold onto you with one hand. However, you have yet to take more than just a few steps on a few occasions all by yourself. That's fine, though. Take all the time you need. You can already crawl nearly faster than I can run!

Happy 1st Birthday, my love! You are our blue-eyed, water-spashing, hello-waving, "cack cacking" (quack quacking) baby girl! As it's been said many times before, the days may be long, but the years are short. You have changed so much over the past year, and we know you will be changing even more over the next one. Can't wait to experience it all with you!

There is a passage from a book (Stepping Heavenward) that makes me think of you:

Here is a little mouth to kiss;
here are two more feet to make music with their pattering about my nursery.
Here is a soul to train for God, and the body in which it dwells is worth all it will cost,
since it is abode of a kingly tenant.
I may see less of friends, but I have gained one dearer than them all.
Yes, my precious baby, you are welcome to your mother's heart,
welcome to her time, her strength, her health, to her most tender cares, to her life-long prayers! Oh how rich I am, how truly, how wondrously blessed!"

I thank the Lord every day, with amazement, for giving you to us.

Happy Easter!!!

I never get to update this thing as much as I'd like to. Seems like it's always either post a blog or go to sleep - usually, sleep wins out.

Madison got over RSV, only to end up with a stomach virus. Matt and I were both pretty worried about her. It was awful seeing her throw up like that. She ended up losing some weight, and that had us really concerned. The vomiting lasted about 3 days and the diarrhea another 2. We were so thankful when she started feeling better.

Madison's appetite has really increased in the last week or so. She looks like she's gained some weight back. Couldn't be happier about that!

Last week, Madison started walking behind her little stroller. She had lots of practice last weekend at the lake, and has gotten pretty good at it. I love watching her having so much fun!

This week, we've gone back to having really rough nights. I'm not sure what's going on, but I've been up with Madison pretty much every night this week for at least a few hours. It's very odd for her not to sleep well - especially this many nights in a row. I feel so bad for her because she just cries so loud and just screams like she is in pain or is terrified. When I go in her room, she seems to still be asleep. The only way I can get her to stop crying is to wake her, then she cries because she's sleepy. I'm not sure if she's teething (so far, she hasn't had much trouble with it) or if she's having bad dreams or what. All I know is I hate it! I hate that she isn't sleeping well (and that I'm not either!).

Madison saw the Easter Bunny twice this week. He came to see her at daycare Thursday, and we went to see him at the mall Friday. She liked him both times!

Madison will be one on Friday. This just seems so unreal to me. I'm kind of struggling with it. I'm so proud of her, but it just seems crazy to me that she's technically only going to be a baby for 6 more days. Today was especially hard for me. I went to see a friend and her newborn baby boy at the hospital - the same hospital where Madison was born. Tomorrow is Easter - a year ago, we came home on Easter day. Time really does fly...